This Horrifying King Cake Will Give You Nightmares

Please remove small children from the room and give your granny a box of antimacassars to sort through right now, because it's about to get ugly. Seriously. Today the non-traditional/totally unconventionalnightmarish king cake realm has reached a new level of PLEASE STOP THE INSANITY with Ian McNulty reporting on both a muffuletta king cake (eek) and a crawfish king cake (gasp) that are being made out in Harahan. Who is behind these unsavory savories? Beloved Jazz Fest crawfish strudel vendor/local caterer/ king cake specialist, John Caluda of Cottage Catering. Why, Caluda, Why!?

Here McNulty describes what happens on a descent into hell: "You see a king cake ring (but it's filled with Italian meats and olive salad), you see the frosting (but it's melted provolone) and you even see the granular sugar in purple, green and gold (but that's grated Romano mixed with food coloring)."

Then McNulty describes what happens on a descent even deeper into hell: "For the crawfish version, sour cream is piped across the motley surface like icing. It can mess with your palate, to say nothing of your head."

The muffuletta king cake porn is equally as terrifying. LOOK AWAY. Get ye plastic, cherubic king cake babies back to the sugar land forest. Wash it all down with another king cake listicle from Todd A. Price including, at least, booze in the form of a king cake martini and a spiked king cake milk shake.

· Decoding a Delicious Disguise [Advocate]
· King Cakes Get Creative Twists From New Orleans Restaurants [NOLA.com]
Muffuletta King Cake [Photo: Cottage Catering/Facebook]